Muddy Words: 2009

percayalah, bukan.

19.57 By Bismar

cerita dari seseorang yang asanya mulai pupus

*** ini bukan cerita penulis. ini bukan cerita penulis, ini yang ditulis oleh penulis,

bismaribrahim.

baca dengan pelan.

kadang saat gua ngerasa semua udah benar

dan gua mulai menikmati keadaan

tiba2 gua jatoh dan mulai ga yakin apa semua udah benar atau belum

sebenernya

ga perlu minta kejelasan buat bilang 'oh iya, maaf'

ga perlu minta pengertian buat bilang 'terima kasih'

satu diantara kita harus ngerti, dan gua rasa itu gua

karena gua ga pantes buat minta

gua laki-laki, dan emang itu yang harus gua lakuin

gua tau, tapi sering banget keberanian ini ga muncul

gua laki-laki yang kadang bersikap bukan laki-laki

sedih, tapi apa lagi,

biarin aja sungai ngalir sesuai yang seharusnya

ga perlu berusaha untuk melawan arus, karena memang itu ga mungkin

ga perlu juga untuk berharap lebih, jalan aja terus

karena gua yakin gua bakal tau 'apa dan kenapa' disana

menikmati kesalahan yang udah dibuat, dan menyesal

melihat kenyataan yang memang kadang pahit

tapi memang harus begitu,

karena dengan itulah kejujuran jadi bernilai

ahh, bagian mana lagi dari perasaan gua yang belum gua tulis disini? lo tau?

sisi mana yang belum gua tunjukin ke lo lewat tulisan ini? lo tau?

beri tau gua, dan gua bakal kasih tau lo semuanya. karena ga semua ide muncul waktu gua tulis ini.

sekali lagi, ini bukan cerita penulis, ini yang ditulis penulis,

bismaribrahim.

baca dengan pelan.

kalo lo pernah ngerasa marah sama kelakuan lo sendiri, lo ngerasa lo cemen banget buat ngelakuin sesuatu, dan lo nyesel karena ga ngelakuin itu, lo tau apa yang gua rasa sekarang, kayaknya sih lo lo juga sering merasa kayak gini.

bahkan untuk bikin kata-kata yang mau lo ucapin ke seseorang pun lo ga bisa, dan rasanya otak, tangan, kaki, mulut, dan hati semua kerja sendiri-sendiri, ga ada koordinasi. saat sebenernya lo pengen banget buat melakukan itu, tapi tiba-tiba pemikiran lo buyar berantakan, heng, dan rasanya pengen meledak, jadi lo pikir kalo lo mesti cepet-cepet lari, dan dengan larinya lo, lo juga mikir bakal tenang, ya emang bakal tenang, tapi itu cuma berjalan sesaat, setelah itu, kekecewaan lo karena hal itu ga tuntas bakal lebih dalam. dan, salah tingkah.......

terus pertanyaan-pertanyaan atas penyesalan lo keluar meledak membanjiri otak lo yang udah jenuh ga jelas itu, menekan, dan menekan banget. kalimat-kalimat konyol pun keluar.

'ahh, harusnya tadi gua lakuin aja!! tolol banget sih gua.'

'kenapa lo cemen banget sih?!!?! ngomong gitu aja ga berani.'

dan bla bla bla yang akhirnya bikin lo makin gila dan makin ga nemu gimana harusnya lo bersikap.

kalo lo bisa keluar dari raga lo yang lagi gila itu, dan lo lihat gimana lo marah-marah sendiri, jambak-jambak rambut, nahan teriak, dan lain-lain, mungkin lo malah bakal ketawa karena yang lo liat itu sebenernya lucu, tapi lo sendiri ga tau akan kelucuan itu, dan lo terus lari di perasaan kesal lo, berlari makin kenceng sampe ke garis finish lintasan kekesalan lo, tapi semakin kenceng lo lari, garis itu makin kabur, sampe akhirnya lo capek buat terus lari, lo jalan santai sambil ngumpulin tenaga buat lari selanjutnya, dan yang terjadi tanpa lo sadar adalah garis itu udah lo injek sebelum lo mulai lari lagi...

hyuhh..

awalnya gua buat ini cuma untuk nunjukin kalo gua lagi kesel, tapi pas gua lagi ngetik kayaknya kekesalan gua jatuh di tuts tuts keyboard gua, untung mereka ga hidup, mereka bisa teriak-teriak ke gua dan lari jauh dari gua karena kesal di pencet ga make perasaan. hahahaha

full of random questions. just answer if you want..

05.30 By Bismar

yes, it's very painful when i see you stare hollowly, swing your hair, try to bank your tears, but i can't give you solutions, even to ask you 'how are you?, what do you feel?'

1. do you know that

it's worse than i got 4 or 5 in my test?

it's worse than if my daddy shout at me?

it's worse than i cook the rice and it's burnt?

2. do you know that your tears will blow out my sun?

3. so how can i see my remaining days clearly when my sun loses its bright light?

4. girl, tell me, do i have to tell you that you're my special pink gem? shining in the dark and very valuable to be owned.

5. don't you know how it's vex for me to be like this? don't you?

i'm always wondering how we should be, how i should treat you.

sometimes i feel like you wanna close, but sometimes you don't.

FILL IN THE BLANK!!

this is the part that i can't tell you now, so i hope you all can fill the blanks right and get what i mean.

[yes . .... you, ... ... .. .... .... of ....... ..... me to .... ..

yes i .... ..... .......... related .. ...

... i ...... ...... that you ... not ....... ... my ......... there]

difficult? if yes, just be my cult so that you can easily know what i am thinking about.

a new post, a new lost!

06.21 By Bismar

when i wanna hear the relaxing gurgling sound, i hear the disappointment.

when i wanna step my foot straight, it turns to the right and left.

when i wanna be calm down, my heart is rumbling crazily.

yes, every time i want something, i get what they are not.

so i think it's better for me not to hope you to be by my side,

but if only you are still so far away from me,

i have to realize that

we're not meant to be in any way.

Be Strong!

04.45 By Bismar

inspired by a true story of my friend

hey! look at her!

she's fat! she wears glasses!

but she isn't ugly, and she won't be it

she came to this world with her smile

and her smile brought everything we need

she came to this world with her bright light

she made the others happy

she made the others miss her so much

she was being mocked by her friends but she kept her smile for them

her parents love her so much

but her tounge was injuried

she had to drink 11 medicines for her health but she couldn't stand for it

but she wasn't a weak

she didn't wanna be kissed by her younger sister

her mother was taking care of her for 26 days in hospital

then doctor broke her mom's heart

he said that she would be able to eat what she wanted

then the sky seemed so grey, the sea seemed so black

one day,

one of her friend asked her

'hey ki, if someday we die, whom will we meet? is it Allah? is it Buddha? or what?'

then she answered

'i don't know, but my mom and daddy said that every kind-hearted will be lying in heaven.'

she struggled her life, she tried to be strong

and she was really strong, at least for me

but she couldn't ran away from her death

it would come, and it really came

she left everything love her

she left her parents, her most beloved younger sister

she went to somewhere unknown

to somewhere better for her

for every smile she threw

for her next life.

be strong, because everything in this world is really strong

it's something you have to conquer.

i'm sorry if this words don't evoke it's feeling, i just try to find some good word to express it, this is what i've tried.

no..no..no..

02.06 By Bismar

ahh, now i'm not in the good mood of blogging. sorry for no update recently, just wait for another next post and read how cool my word is. HAHAHAHAHA

bye.

pointless points

09.26 By Bismar

some statement are whirling in my empty mind.

we talk for the rest.
we stand for the vulnerable.
we see for the blind.
we run for the crippled.
we smile for the grim.
we try for the fail.
we weep for the happy.
we love for the hurt.
we fly for the reptile.
we sing for the dumb.
we fight for the harmony.

we lie for the honest.
we're different for the same.
we're opened for the closed.
and we're living for the dead.

-- -- -- -- --

positive?

for my dearest one, XII IPA 5

08.12 By Bismar

putih abu melekat ditubuh

putih abu warnai bangunan

lapangan, kantin, saung

peluh, tawa, dan terik

serta semua pelengkap cerita kita

di hari, bulan, dan tahun

kita belajar banyak hal

trigonometri, matriks, reaksi redoks

bagaimana membaca pidato

bahkan sampai ke seks dan sedikit porno

terkadang kita abaikan semua aturan

kita lepaskan beban

dengan beberapa tendangan kencang

dan tawa lantang

rasa sayang kita terhadap seseorang yang terbalut selai benci dicampur dengan tidak suka,

rasa jenuh akan matematika yang seminggu penuh,

rasa rindu akan kebebasan kita dari tugas tugas,

hinaan yang terlontar dan yang diterima,

perasaan ingin melesatkan genggaman tangan ke seseorang,

panggilan hati remaja yang menyebabkannya berpindah ke satu yang lain setelah ditolak yang satu.

mereka bumbu-bumbu cerita kita yang begitu gurih,

mereka tombol2 di keyboard kita yang begitu empuk.

karena merekalah rangkaian kata ini tercipta,

karena merekalah masakan kehidupan ini terasa begitu lezat,

karena merekalah dawai gitarku bergetar,

karena merekalah nyanyianku berdendang,

karena merekalah pintu kelas terasa begitu bercahaya,

karena merekalah malam terasa lama berlalu,

dan karena merekalah kita menjadi teman yang saling mengerti.

salam putih abuku untuk kita, aksel.

HB Suha and Bintang!!!!

06.07 By Bismar

hey hey hey!

today, my friend and my cousin have their birthday!

Suha and Bintang!

Happy birthday for you all, hopefully you can catch your dreams...

H & H

07.10 By Bismar

a friend of mine said:

"hands are for holding, and hearts are for loving"

then i asked her

"so what do we use to hold someone's heart? is it hand?"

what's your answer?

----------------------------------------------------------

now i'm running out of ideas! it just goes away from me and my mind

i'm losing my f*ckin' mind. - a sentence on oliver sykes's t shirt

no it is not me

07.20 By Bismar

om,

i know you love me like a river and its stream

like a Winnie the pooh and its honey

like singers and their voices

mom,

i know you worry me for the things i do

you're afraid i will get hurt in my fingers

but mom,

those are not the reasons to rein in me

those are not the reasons to forbid me to go somewhere i want

just let me do what i want

let me go where i wanna go

you don't need to make my way

i will make it myself

you just need to pull me in to my way when i'm getting afield.

because i can't live in your way

mom,

don't think that these words are showing that i don't love you

don't think that these words are showing that i don't wanna be regulated by you

i love you mom,

but i just hate of being restricted.

i think i have to delete the second picture, because my mom doesn't like it. hahah

no it is not me, it is you, and it will be you, scout!

I've got a progo!

23.15 By Bismar

OMG! now i got so hot with this blog! yeah, it's a new blog, so it's normal i think.

ok i wanna tell you a story about my trip, which is called Study Tour, but not all of it, just a little part.
in study tour, we learn some things by visiting companies or something. it has to be relaxing, if it's not, it can not called as Study Tour i think. and i got it!

it was a very nice trip, we go somewhere new for me, i got a lot of experience there.

ok a little part i wanna tell you is RAFTING. rafting is usually called as Arung Jeram-is it the same? because vita, my friend tell me that it's same.

we do rafting in groups of five or six. we made our own group. and i easily get my friends as partner. firstly, we're just five until we got to the progo river, the place we did it, but suddenly a girl named T*nya E*wina came to me and ask me to permit her to join my group, and of course i did.

so momentarily when we wanted to go to the river, we got the new one.
we took the balloon-boat, we jumped in to it after we prepared ourselves , using helmet, life vest, and something necessary.

and the journey began, our boat was moving slowly. firstly, i guess it would be a challenging journey, because it's my FIRST! once again, it's my FIRST!! but i was wrong.
we rowed the paddle, and we got to the first cascade, we crossed it over. and we got further and further until some of us fell to the river, hit the stone. but you know? there's one of us fell herself into the river, she's T*nya, a new comer. we didn't know her reason, but we just kept our confusion of her inside. she cried almost all the trip after she got down and slipped to the under side of the boat and Ingga-one of my teammate- accidentally stepped her, so she couldn't do inhale. so many strange things she did, but i don't wanna write it down.

this is the photo

i was sitting in the front left side, using red helmet and blue life vest.
we're Luthfi, Vita, Tari, Ingga, Tanya, and Me.

IT WAS SO FUUNN!!! I LOVE IT!

ok readers, i feel it's enough for this post.

so, stay away from drugs! stay close from my blog! and love our culture!

bye

the fifth?

22.47 By Bismar

'why do i feel sad inside? what the hell is a reason of it?' i ask to myself.

and i answer it to myself

'because i can't do anything make her happy, i can't. i'm too coward to treat her like what he did.'

'what do i have?'

'that's it! i have nothing, nothing to be showed off, and nothing to be proud of. just all the "no" and "nothing"'

guys, don't ever feel like that
maybe you don't have what other have
maybe sometimes you feel jealous with other
but that's nothing
do you get something from it?
do you feel better by doing it?
i guess no.

'but that's the fact!'

yeah, that's the fact, i know it
but you don't know that you are the one that make it gets worse and worse.

just live your life the way you are
because you won't ever be like others
because you will make your own way someday
and because God has given what's best for you.

a post about 'FACEBOOK'

22.29 By Bismar

Saturday night, i was waiting for you for hours on facebook, i clicked 'chat' for times. i got you, and you got my attention. our memories were getting re-appear.

two days next, i was addicted to my chat with you.
Hey! Let's make it longer, until my longing come out by the words.

i hid my wall because i don't want my friends see what we talked about, just you and me, me and you. and it was all the fun!

*** (means something happened here)

when you're online, will you greet me somehow or will you click 'go offline' so that i won't know you're there?
for the years i bite without you, when we tried to send our love but the connection was a trouble.

i try to catch you but i can't, maybe my songs can.

and if someday we met each other but you're with him, i will clear all our chat history.

gah! this post is really weird, it doesn't composed well, jump to somewhen, hop to there, somewhen unknown.

when the sun was rising and i got so glazed

22.11 By Bismar

a missed sun was rising in the back side of the hills, the atmosphere was so cold and calm at the time when wind blew and embezzled my vulnerable bone.

but it is not as cold as my heart after i decided to go along with this feeling, to take all the consequences and the pain.

jealousy, madness and sadness, all that I've got and i will.

My Love pot, do you know why the plant still grows up well whereas the pot has been poisoned?

it came when everybody were sleeping and i was still awake

21.53 By Bismar

sekarang

tawa itu terpejam, terbang bersama mimpimu,

dan akan kembali saat kita tiba.

selamat tidur, kawan..

introduction of this blog

21.14 By Bismar

hey you all, when you see this blog, you'll see some writing from me about my life, specially my feeling.

my hope, my dreams, my ROTTEN EXPECTANCE about a girl, not only her, but also everything i see and feel, i figure it by words. you'll know more if you read more.

thanks guys.